Lord of the Rings: Western Style!
by Merenwen Elanesse
Summary: This is basically a western-cowboy-yeehaw version of the books. Scenes are kinda scattered around and don't make much sense, but it's all for fun! Enjoy! *Chapter 5 FINALLY UP!*
1. An Old Friend

Disclaimer: The only thing in this fiction that belongs to me is the plot. All characters and "places" belong to the creative mind of J.R.R. Tolkien

A/N: For you to completely understand this story, I need to tell you something. First of all, this story has no relevance at all. This was done because I was bored. All it is, is a little western version of the Lord of the Rings. It doesn't even follow correctly nor does it have all/the same events. This is strictly for humor only. Also, I need you all to whip out your trusty maps of Middle Earth. Yup, this is still happening in Middle Earth, I just need to do some landscape changes. Basically, all of Middle Earth has the same landscape as southern Arizona or New Mexico. For those of you who have never been there, it's dusty, cactusie, and very very hot. However, there is still a few places in Middle Earth which provide a bit of shade and a cooler climate. Those places are, of course, Mirkwood and Lorien. The Misty Mountains are no longer Misty. They are now the Dusty Plateaus, with Rivendell near the foothills. The Shire is now a quaint little bustling county in the middle of the desert. They are used to receiving little or no news from outside the borders. Erm, that's really all I can think of now. I will tell you in paranthesis if there are anymore necessary landscape changes. Remember, this is Lord of the Rings: WESTERN STYLE!! Booya!

Also, do not be offended by any stereotypes I might use. This is an extremely crude version. Now, ENJOY

~*~*~

Frodo Baggins walked out of his little hobbit hole one hot July afternoon. He could smell ol' Bilbo sweating up a river as he walked up the hill towards their little home. Frodo had been out little under a minute and already he could feel the moisture rolling down his forehead. 'Now I know why Hobbits live in holes in the ground.' He thought to himself. He put his hand to his brow to shade his eyes and surveyed the land. The growing season was terrible this year. There has been such little rain, they'll be lucky to make it through next winter. He looked down towards the ground and brushed the dead grass with his foot and watched as its crumbles sailed away with the wind. 

"The Road goes…*pant* ever on… and… on

Down ….from the door….where it began *wheeze*"

Frodo looked down the hill to his left and saw the little hobbit rounding the corner and began staggering up the hill. Once Bilbo was up to the yard, he fell to the ground. Frodo rushed to his side.

"You alright there, Bill?" Frodo asked concernedly with a Southern drawl. Bilbo looked up at him with mild disgust.

"Yes, I'm fine Frodo." replied Bilbo as he got back on his feet and began to brush his jacket off. "And for the last time, stop calling me Bill."

Frodo followed Bilbo into the hole as Bilbo continued to complain. 

"Honestly, where did you learn to talk like that? Why, if your parents were still alive, I'm sure they'd have a thing or two to say to you. Gosh, Hobbiton has sure gone to hell since I got back from the Lonely Mountain." Bilbo began to fiddle with his old maps and just about anything else to get the younger hobbit to go away. 

"T'ain't just me." argued Frodo. "All them other hobbits been talkin like this too." 

Bilbo turned around and looked at Frodo. 

"I know, I'm sorry my boy. I've just been stressed lately because of the party coming up tonight."

Frodo gave Bilbo a blank look.

"Oh, forgive me, the HO-DOWN tonight."

"Ooooh…." said Frodo.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Bilbo trotted to it to answer it, mumbling something about the Sackville-Bagginses and how they weren't going to get their hands on his "lair", as they liked to call it. However, Bilbo was pleasantly surprised to see an old friend at the door instead of those intruders.

"Gan … Gandalf?"

Frodo peeked around the corner to get a glimpse of an old man coming in through the door. Instead of the gray robes that Bilbo had said he wore, he was decked out in a gray suit, complete with a tail and tie. In place of the staff was an elegant cane. His raged hair was pulled back into a slick ponytail.

"Good morning, my old friend!" said Gandalf in a cheery, "proper" English accent. "Long time, no see; eh, old chap?"

Bilbo turned his head to look at Frodo. Frodo had to resist the urge to double over in laughter. The look on Bilbo's face was so pathetic, it was classic. 

"So, one hundred eleven years old." Gandalf went on. Then, a smile crept across his face. "And if I do say so myself, you haven't aged a day. Mind if I come in?" 

"Oh, yes, forgive me. Come on in, old friend." said poor little Bilbo as he scrambled out of the way of the wizard. "Tea?"

"Oh yes, please." replied Gandalf. "And crumpets, too, if you have any."

~*~*~*~

A/N: Off to a short start, but I need time to rethink this. Thanks to Tomeka for helping me come up with this idea. Hope you all had a good laugh, it's not over yet though. Please review!!


	2. A Long Expected HoDown

Disclaimer: For those of you who may be unaware, I am NOT Tolkien. I repeat, I am NOT Tolkien. I know this may be a shock for some of you, but do keep in mind that the plot is, however, mine. *Giggles at her pathetic sarcasm.*

A/N: Wowie, I'm proud of myself. I already got one review! Thank you, reviewer!! I actually thought that first chapter was kinda cheesy, but hopefully you likes it all the same. J Erm, like I said, this story is really going to skip around a bit. I think I figured out how I'll do it too. Major events and places will still be here, but I'm cutting out the journey's to these places. I figured it'd probably be too awkward. *Even though I was planning on having them all ride horses, except for the hobbits and Gimli, who were to ride… DONKIES!* Heh, oh well. Oh, one more thing that I figured I ought to tell you. In my version, they DO have guns. In fact, Sting is now a little revolver that glows when Orcs are near. Besides, whats a good western without any guns? Don't worry, I'll make it work! Enjoy!

~*~*~

That night at the … "ho-down"… hobbits were getting drunk and passing out left and right, as the hobbit custom. However, to Bilbo's dislike, some were sitting around small little hobbit tables playing poker and when one hobbit pissed off another hobbit, they would smash little hobbit chairs over each others curly little hobbit heads. 

"Stop… oh no. STOP THAT!" Bilbo shrieked and trotted over to two Boffins who were now going at it over a Full House. "Put those down!! Those chairs were…" *smash …crack* "… my parents."

Bilbo threw up his arms in disgust as he turned and gave up. 'I got to do this. It's now or never' he thought to himself. He walked over near what some hobbits called the "Party" tree and clambered up on top of a pile of hay. 

"Hello, I hope you are all enjoying the par…" Bilbo started but was soon interrupted by a bunch of walloping Tooks over near the bar having a chugging/belching contest. 

"Oh screw it." said Bilbo. He then slipped on the Ring. To his pleasant surprise, he heard more people gasp than what he expected. He watched in amusement as his family scrambled over the ground, drunkly, looking for him. He smirked to himself and began to walk down from atop the hay when he lost his footing and fell to his little hobbit butt. He could feel his cheeks growing hot, but he reminded him that no one could see him. Even though that was the truth, he still looked around a bit self-consciously to ensure himself. He spotted Gandalf who seemed to be staring right at him. 'I must have made quite a thump when I landed for him to hear me.' Thought Bilbo.

He bounced right up to his feet and scattled (like my new word?) back to his little Hobbit hole before anyone would accidentally run into him. 

Once in his home, he began to pack his belongings. 'Screw the Shire. I'm going to Rivendell where they all still act normal.'

Just as he turned to pack some ginger snaps, he ran into Gandalf. 

"Oh, goodness, Gandalf, don't do that." he said as he went on for his snaps. Gandalf let out a hearty laugh. 

"You know," he began. "you really shouldn't do that to drunk hobbits."

Bilbo looked up at him and smiled. 

"They're still down there looking for you, but they keep calling you Dildo." 

Bilbo quit smiling. "Now do you see why I'm leaving?"

Gandalf took a seat in the corner and watched the one sober hobbit in Hobbiton scuttle around.

"I can't put up with this anymore. All the folk here anymore are either constantly drunk or are doing showdowns in their front yards and shooting one another in the leg. They've lost all common sense, Gandalf. They're raging lunatics. I'm going where I can find more sense in the World. More quiet. I'd like to finish my book, but I don't want the end to involve hobbits blowing each other up to pieces."

At this, Gandalf let an enormous laugh out.

"You, of all people, should be laughing the least." said Bilbo. "What is so funny?"

"You, my dear friend, are just to high-strung. This isn't as big a deal as you may think."

"Well, you should talk. Look at you!" argued Bilbo. "You've changed too!"

"Bilbo, has it ever occurred to you that you are the only one who has NOT changed?" 

When the wizard looked at the speechless face on Bilbo, he smirked and whipped out his pipe and lit it. 

"Well…" said poor little Bilbo. "You're going to get lung cancer."

"Only after you will. You smoke more than I do."

Bilbo was, once again, speechless. 

"Fine." he finally said. "Well, I'm leaving now…" he said as he began to inch towards the door. "I'm leaving everything to Frodo. I still depend on him not to give up Bag End to the Sackville-Bagginses."  


"And what about this ring?" asked Gandalf, now rising. It might have been just Bilbo, but Gandalf looked pretty threatening just then. He had his cane raised as if he could strike Bilbo. 

"Um, erm, … yes." said Bilbo after a hesitant pause. He then, reluctantly, took off the ring and gave it one last look. Then he cast it aside and darted out the door before the wizard could do anything "to" him, without looking back.

Gandalf rushed to the door where the hobbit disappeared and saw him still scampering down the path. 

"You forgot this!" yelled Gandalf after him. Bilbo stopped and turned his head just in time to see his pack hit him. 

~*~*~

Ok. Next chapter Frodo comes and learns the history of the Ring. Don't worry, I won't make you read it all again. You'll see. Now… REVIEW! Pweeze!


	3. The Shadow of the MULE

Disclaimer: I am NOT Tolkien.

A/N: Youzers… I just found out that someone else has a LOTR fic with the same title and theme as mine. For anyone else who as also spotted that, I want you all to know that that was purely coincidental. I didn't have any idea until a friend of mine used the searchy thingy and typed in the title. To her surprise (as well as mine) there were two of them. If the author of that one happens to see this, I did not steal your idea. Tomeka helped me come up with it and apparently two people had the same idea. Ok, now that I got that cleared up, I wanted to apologize for the chapters being all screwy. The other night when I tried to upload chapter two, my computer started wigging out on me and just… well, died. I went back on to see if it had loaded and when I saw that there were two chapters, I was happy with that. Little did I know they were reversed. Don't ask me how the hell that happened, because I couldn't tell ya. Hopefully they're fixed now and there won't be anymore confusion. Um, this chapter takes place when Gandalf gets back from Minas Tirith after doing some research. Also, sorry for the late update. I've been feeling a bit "poopy" "under the weather" …. "ill" lately. I'm still sick, but at least I'm not in school! And another bonus, now I'm finally done with my wretched wedding project so I won't have that thing sucking up all my time either! YIPPEE!

~*~*~*~

"Golly, Gandy." said Frodo stupidly. "That sure was a long trip ya took there."

Gandalf whacked Frodo with his cain before he sat down in front of the fireplace. 

"You foolish boy." said Gandalf irritated. "Keep in mind where Minas Tirith is. Of course it was a long trip."

Gandalf whipped out his pipe from some unknown and probably ungodly place, and lit it. He paused for a moment after inhaling. 

"By the way, if you call me Gandy one more time, I'll do to you what I did to Tob Fuddlecake."

"Who?" asked Frodo curiously. He walked in front of Gandalf's seat and sat down upon the floor. The old wizard grinned at the perplexed look on Frodo's face. 

"You know that legendary purple toad with three eyes that is said to live in the pond near the Proudfoots?" he asked. 

"Yeah…" said Frodo, still far from the point.

"Well…" said Gandalf with a smirk as a cloud of smoke rose above his head. 

"… Oh…." said Frodo, now understanding. "Please don't do that to me!"

"Oh, hush." Gandalf snapped. "That is beside the point. You know that ring that Bilbo left you?"

"Yes sirrie!" said Frodo. Gandalf sat up straight in his chair. 

"Bring it to me." 

Within a few minutes, Frodo returned with the Ring in his palm. 

"Cast it into the fire." commanded Gandalf. 

"Oh, are we going to brand summin?!" asked Frodo delightedly. "I've been meaning to get that Samwise Gamgee branded, but every time I come near him--"

"No, we're branding no one, Frodo." said Gandalf rubbing his brow irritated. "Just throw it in the fire."

Frodo frowned from his disappointment and carelessly threw it into the fire over his shoulder. Gandalf rose from his seat and strode over to the mantle where a pair of tongs had been so conveniently place. He then reached into the fireplace and picked up the Ring with the tongs. 

"Here you are." said Gandalf cooly as he tried to put the "fresh out of the oven" ring into Frodo's palm. Frodo, however, recoiled his hand. 

"What's the matta with you?!" Frodo shrieked. "I may not be very bright, but I ain't drunk! I ain't about to touch that!" 

"Take it. It's quite cool." Gandalf tried to persuade. 

"NO!" yelled Frodo. Gandalf sighed and dropped it to the ground where, to Frodo's surprise, it landed with a thud. 

"Take a look at it." said Gandalf. Frodo got down on his knees for a better look at the Ring. "What do you see?"

"Someone scratched it! It looks like the Sackville-Bagginses have been rummaging through my stuff again!!"

"Frodo, calm down." said Gandalf, who was beginning to get a headache from this incredibly stupid hobbit. 

"I WANT A DUEL! A NOON SHOWDOWN!" yelled Frodo, getting to his feet. He began to walk towards the gun cabinet when the wizard grabbed him by the hair and pulled him up to his face. Gandalf had finally lost his temper.

"Listen here, you little wannabe wrangler!!" he bellowed. "There will be no showdown! What you see is an inscription that was placed on that ring which was forged by the great Lord Sauron! Now you are about to leave the comfort of your little dusty home to take care of this little matter! Now you are going to sit down in that chair while I explain it all to you, and dammit, YOU ARE GOING TO LIKE IT!" 

He then threw poor little Frodo into the armchair. Frodo, whom was completely flabbergasted by what just happened., remained in the chair, whimpering a bit.

*This is the part where Gandalf explains the history of the forging of the One Ring and yada yada yada. You all know this, I hope.*

"Gee, that is some story Gandy." said Frodo after Gandalf was finished explaining. Gandalf gave Frodo a look that said pretty much, 'Remember the toad.' "So what am I supposed to do then?"

"Make for the town of Bree. I will meet you there." Gandalf began to rush around Frodo's home grabbing various things and throwing them into a bag for Frodo. "You mustn't stay here. A great danger seeks you."

Gandalf seemed so intent on getting Frodo to leave as soon as possible that he didn't realize exactly what he was packing for Frodo. Frodo, however noticed. While the wizard went on in a frenzy panic, Frodo peeked into the bag. There was three oversized shoes that used to belong to Bilbo, there were the tongs that he had gotten the Ring out of the hearth with, a cookbook, and a few pens in there for who knows what. Frodo grabbed the wizards arm just before he threw a portrait of Old Took into the bag.

"Take it easy, desperado. I'll handle the packin' and I'll head out in the morning."

Even before Gandalf could smile or relax, a rustle was heard from below the window outside. Gandalf rushed to the window and snatched a head of curly sandy blond hair. Frodo laughed when he pulled Samwise Gamgee himself into the room. Gandalf smirked.

"Oh, look. I found you a mule." 

~*~*~*~

A/N: That's it for now. Again, sorry for the delay. …. *cough*….review…. *hack*


	4. Mudbaths and Cacti

Disclaimer: *Yawn* Me no write Lord of the Rings. By the way, Tolkien is probably rolling over in his grave because of what I'm writing. Sorry!! ;)

A/N: Okey… time for an update. I've been lazy. What can I say? Ok, um, just to give you guys the heads up, I will be changing my pen name here. I'll wait like, four days after I post this until I change it just so everyone who reads this knows. I'm debating between two. One is Writers Blockhead, which I thought up all by my lonesome self! The other one is my Elven name (yes, I'm a geek, leave me alone. Oh, but if you'd like the website, I'll give it to you. They have both Hobbit and Elven names for you, anyway…) which is Merenwen Elanessë, and I think it's really pretty. So I'm asking for your opinion. Which do you like? Sniff, I'll listen. Erm, I've decided to listen to one of my reviewers and I'll try to do the traveling as well. I have a nifty idea for the whole Barrow-Downs scene, but I'll have to reread that chapter. And one other reviewer wanted me to add in somewhere, "yessum" and I'll do that too. Sorry to go on, I'll shut up now. OH! Wait, also, I'll be writing some of this according to the books, and others according to the movie. And sometimes I'll do neither and just do whatever the hell I want. It depends on which way I like best. J 

~*~*~

Frodo and Sam left that next morning. Frodo led the way while Sam brought up the rear. He kept his distance from his "master", but he didn't lag too far behind. Frodo finally aware of this, paused and turned around to look at his companion.

"Whatsa matter with you?" he asked with a bit of amusement. "I ain't gunna whip ya, you know!"

Sam looked down at his little hairy feet then back up to Frodo with a look of unease set upon his face. 

"Sorry, Mr. Frodo, but last time I went with you on a trip… you…" poor little Sam stammered. His gaze turned upwards to the clouds, then the sun, then just about anything but Frodo's eyes.

"I ….what?" pressed Frodo with his hands upon his hips. Sam finally looked Frodo in the eye.

"You chased me around with a hot stick!" said Sam emotionally. His voice sounded hurt.

"Of course I was chasing you around with a hot stick." said Frodo in a you-should-have-known-that tone. "I was trying to brand you."

"You were trying to what me?" asked Sam offended and hurt. Frodo turned and continued to walk as if this wasn't a big matter. 

"I was trying to brand you. It's what you're supposed to do with all your livestock." he said calmly over his shoulder. 

Sam stopped dead in his tracks and looked at Frodo's bobbing head in front of him. He then shook his head and whipped a tear from his cheek. 'Livestock… that's all I am…' he thought to himself.

****

Later that day, just outside of Farmer Maggot's crops, Sam got so lost in his thoughts, he noticed that he had lost Frodo. Like a small child that had lost his mother, he began to call out, "Mr. Frodo!" Before long, his desparate cries became near screams. 

Just then, Frodo reappeared from a bend further down the line.

"For Pete's sake, Sam, SHUT UP" said Frodo irritated. "You're actin' like a baby."

"I'm sorry Mr. Frodo, Gandalf just warned me not to loose you. He said if I did, he'd…" 

"Lemme guess." interrupted Frodo. "He'd turn you into a purple three-eyed toad. Right?"

Poor little Sam looked to the ground and nodded. 

"Stupid old wizard." said Frodo under his breath as he looked forward to the road ahead. Just then, something plowed right into him. Sam had to fight back a laugh as he watched something collide right into Frodo. His laughter soon turned into a big, "Urg!" as a second thing ran into him. 

"Oi, Merry, it's Frodo!" said a hobbit that Sam recognized as Pippin. 

"Hello, Frodo!" said Merry as he climbed off Sam. Sam, being a little hurt by not even being noticed, pulled himself up to his feet. He decided to get at the two hobbits.

"You've been in Farmer Maggot's crops again!" he yelled and pointed at them. 

Merry and Pippin just blinked.

"What crops?" asked Merry sarcastically. "Ever since that drought hit four years ago, all that he's been growin' is the hair on his feet."

"Yeah, we were just out a playin in the mud and he came runnin' off his porch screamin' like a banshee."

Just then, they heard a voice yelling.

"TOOK! BRANDYBUCK!! YOU TWO HAVE PLAYED IN MY MUD ONE TOO MANY TIMES! I WANT A DUEL!"

A gunshot was then heard. 

Merry and Pippin both squealed with fear and took off in the opposite direction. To Sam's unpleasant surprise, Frodo ran after them. Not knowing what else to do and not wanting to be turned into a frog, he followed.

Merry and Pippin talked back and forth as they ran.

"Ol' Maggot's lost the remaining bits of his mind." puffed Merry. "After his crops all went and died out, he's been tryin' sell mud to the fair hobbit-lasses sayin' it'll make em' look younger."

"I say …*pant* why not just get it….*wheeze* for free?" asked Pippin. "Merry and I were takin' a mud bath when you had gone and found us. As for Maggot, *cough* he's clearly over-reactin'." 

Just then, all four hobbits tumbled down a somehow unseen cliff… hill… thingy. 

Once to the bottom, Pippin jumped straight to his feet.

"Well, that was fun. Wasn't it?" he said in an honest perky tone. 

The other three hobbits looked up at him in disgust. Pippin, however, did not notice. Something else caught his attention. 

"CACTUS!!" Squealed Pippin. Merry looked down to where Pippin was pointing. They then simultaneously leaped into the air towards the cactus and began to munch with an occasional "ouch" here and there. 

"Whatever happened to good ol' mushrooms?" Sam asked himself. Much like Bilbo, Sam had not adapted to this new western thing either, if you haven't noticed.

"They all died out from the drought," said Frodo. "Doofus."

Sam sat down and leaned back against the hill. 'This is going to be a long trip.' he thought to himself. Just then, Frodo grabbed him by the hairs on his little hobbit feet and swung him around to an uplifted root by a tree while screaming:

"Get off the road!!" 

Something was coming.

~*~*~ 

That's all for now. Me tired. Tell me what you think about the possible pen names and don't forget to review! ::Muah!:: Me love you all!! *Yawn Cough Sniff* K, beddy bye time. I'm a tad hyper….


	5. The Black Rider how ORIGINAL

Disclaimer: Yeah, I didn't write LOTR. I'm not that old! : )

A/N: Okey, since only ONE person suggested what my new penname should be, that's what it is now. Thank you, Little-lost-one. And thank you, Meeka! Your dedication made my birthday better!! I figured I'd go ahead and start writing chapter… what is this, 5? I think so. Erm… yeah

~*~*~

Sam shrieked as he was swung through the air. He hit the old dead tree with a thud. He was quickly followed by two more thuds which happened to be Merry and Pippin. However, they didn't seem to even notice they were thrown; they were still munching on their cactus. Frodo then sat to Sam's right.

"Well Mr. Frodo," Sam began. "I hate to preach to you, but that is no way to treat a fellow hobbit, even if they are-" 

Frodo smacked his hand to Sam's face then rose his index finger to his lips. "hush" he whispered. Sam obeyed and remained quiet. It wasn't long until a distant thundering of hooves could be heard; and they were coming closer. All four hobbits quickly quieted down once the "tottle-lot" was clear. 

Pippin looked over to Frodo completely frightened. He said nothing, but the look on his face said it all. 

Suddenly, the thuds ceased. Sam heard a great, threatening snort, then shoved himself closer to the tree in fear. All four hobbits began to hear a slight sniffing. It was looking for something. Merry looked over to Frodo, who had his eyes closed. 

Whatever the creature was, evidently it had taken one whiff too many and ended up with dust up its nose. It hacked and wheezed so hard, it nearly fell off the horse. Then the creature shrieked a high pitched… shriek… in rage and rode off with his horse. 

Frodo stood up right away to look down the road to see if he could see the thing running away. Of course, he couldn't. The rest of the hobbits were more slow to react. Especially Pippin. The poor boy looked like he'd never stand up again. (Merry also had a theory that Pippin had soiled himself, which Pippin denied for the rest of his days.)

Merry looked absolutely befuddled himself. He walked over, calmly grasped Frodo's shoulder, then without warning, flung him around.

"FRODO!" He shouted panicky. "What in the living Shire was that?" 

Frodo just looked into Merry's eyes blankly. He seemed to still be getting over what had just happened. 

"It was some sort of Black Rider." Sam spoke for Frodo. "They've been following us ever since we left."

"Who is it?" asked Pippin, now feeling a bit more safe. "What does it want?"

"I don't know," said Frodo, speaking for himself now. "But I'm darn tootin I dun wanna get in it's way."

Merry, Pippin and Sam all exchanged unsure glances. 

"One thing's for sure." continued Frodo. "We've hung around too long."

~*~

A/N: I really apologize for the EXTREMELY short chapter, but it's been a long time since I updated and I just wanted you all to know that I wasn't dead or anything. I was really busy with work and school. Especially studing for finals. But our last day was yesterday, (yoohoo) and I'm done with finals and I'm finally a Senior!! (Bigger yoohoo) Good news, I also passed all my classes, but I have to pay a $52 dollar fine cus I lost my American History book. *Oops…* K, review please! I'll love you if you do! 


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